He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
