Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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