I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
