i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Drake has all the answers
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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