I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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