i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
