Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
