apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
