i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
