I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
