My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
