I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
