you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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