You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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