I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
