I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need to calm my uterus...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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