The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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