Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
