Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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