you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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