so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
