So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
