why do cheetos always look like penises
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
