Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
