i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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