I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
