i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
