Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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