I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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