you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
where are you?
Hypothermia
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
