Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
