my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
