Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
