Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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