HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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