He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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