I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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