You're earring is so big in my mouth
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
