I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
