So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
