I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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