Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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