i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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