I cockslap morals
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Shame - the story of my life.
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