i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
is that a dick in a sweater?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
