you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
