apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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