Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My bed smells like the plague
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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