Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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