Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
