benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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